Married with Friends
I'm really struggling lately with pleasing people. In certain areas, I've grown to a point where I realize it's not my responsibility nor in my power to please people, so I can try to sort of move on to finding that middle ground of considering others more highly than myself and being a slave to no man.
I know that I'm not married. Boy, do I know it. But since getting back from Peru, I work, I plan the wedding, and I see Aaron. Those three things pretty much take up most of my days and weeks. Is that wrong? I have felt so much pressure to spend time with other people. I don't want to ignore them or be self-centered - I want to encourage the body and love the Church and work on relationships.
But when I get married, doesn't how I can do that change? At least at the beginning. Deuteronomy 24:5 says that
"If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married."
So, we don't take a one-year honeymoon nowadays, but that's the principle. Several wise people have suggested we do the same: have no major committments the first year, outside of what is absolutely necessary; don't do anything but get to know each other at least the first month of marriage; recognize that since your priorities are shifting so will the closeness of your other relationships.
Is that right? Why do I feel so much pressure to keep up with people like I was able to do before I left for Peru? You married people out there: how does it work?
posted by Kelly @ 6:12 AM
10 Comments:
Kelly-
Your relationships will change, this is normal... obviously I'm not married, but I want you to know I'm thinking about you and I'll be praying specifically for your time management skills :) you were never that great at juggling spending time with lots of people anyway, so I would say don't worry about it! I think it's a good idea to spend time getting to know the person you'll be getting to know for the rest of your life. :) can't wait to see you all! one more week!
We were probably the world's worst at this very thing when we got married. Even before we were married, we devoted all of the time we could to being together. It wasn't unusual for me to have weekly conversations with Kim, Della, and others that always included me apologizing for never being around and promising to spend more time with them. I never did. And after we were married, it did indeed get worse (not to discourage you). We were plunged head first into a dream world made up only of ourselves. This has definitely had an effect on a few relationships in particular and we are still trying to work through it. I'm not sure what advice I can offer; it does seem inevitible in many ways. But I can tell you (my sister was right) being away from CTK has made us realize how much we took that community for granted. We miss everyone in Norman so much and are craving time with friends and family and those we love. So take full advantage of the amazing people who surround you. They understand what you're going through and what you will be going through. I hope some of this was helpful.
Lisa - thanks! You know me well and have given me grace even before I was married. :) I can't wait to see you!
Keely - Thank you SO much for your thoughts. That's EXACTLY how I feel. I'm already apologizing all the time (it seems like) to best friends in other states, or to friends here in Norman who I STILL haven't visited with since I got back from Peru in May. Your story is comforting to me. I'm so grateful - it seems I have so many people a few steps ahead of me, and I want to take advantage of their lessons learned. I just wish that knowing what to do with that advice would be easier... :)
Anne -
Hello and welcome!
I'm not sure why you think having a child is the main reason for that command - what about the explanation that follows? I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Well, all I know is Aaron will be one of the leaders of the new RUF Word & Deed Men's Bible Study, so you guys won't be too isolated ;)
Seriously though, I think the worst thing would be if you guys didn't make your marriage a priority over work/church/friends/etc. Being unmarried myself, I can confidently say that I guess you have to be deliberate--sitting down together and planning time specifically for other people and ministry. At least, if time management for marrieds is just an amplified version of that for us singles, then that seems to be the biggest trick for me (not that I do it consistently enough). I can't wait, I am really happy for you guys!
-- DJ SlipNot
Thanks Norman! You definitely hit the mark with the time-management thing: I stink at it. But, thankfully, Aaron doesn't. :) I hope God gives us grace as we learn what it's like to be married!
And speaking of this Bible study (which sounds great for you men!), when is it? And also, as someone married to one of the leaders, keep me in mind if you need anything (say, food, for example). :)
One thing that I have definitely noticed since being married (been married 4 years) is that it is often much more difficult to maintain opposite-sex friendships.
Which is both a probably good and almost obligatory thing, but I'm sure it varies per person.
One challenge that some encounter in more acute fashion than others and that some overcome better than others is the temptation to disappear from pretty much all active pursuit of already-existing friendships once a couple is married. It's the famous Disappearing-Couple syndrome, and I've seen it several times already. I encourage you to acknowledge said temptation but force yourself to look outside your couple-ness at least occasionally - you'll want these relationships later, and it's more trouble to you if you leave them in disrepair.
:/ I wonder why I've only ever met/heard of couples who have gone through the Disappearing-Couple Syndrome, and none who have been able to avoid it?
It's a good thing there's Grace.
The Disappearing Couple Syndrome hit us but damaged most a relationship that was already functioning in starvation mode. Essentially, I think you can expect to go through it and to come out alright in the end. While it would be insensitve to ignore your single friends, it would probbaly be helpful to deliberately do things with other couples too. Your social spheres are molding into one unified sphere and so being able to interact socially as "one flesh" certainly can't hurt. Additionally, there will be some things that married couples will be able to identify with that single folks haven't experienced yet. [The transition into marriage, etc . . .]
But now you ARE married!! Congratulations. I put a couple pictures from your wedding on our blog. :)
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