God will do a work...

I have learned so much about life these couple months from Aaron and from helping Doug. Doug asked me to write about my experience as "faux intern". After I finished, he asked me to write a more generalized version of what I've learned about life and how to live it. I didn't get that far (perhaps soon?), but here is the wordy description of God's work in my life since January.

At the beginning of my faux internship, I’d hoped that by the time it was over I would have much to say about the life of an intern, or to be able to claim first-hand knowledge of what “ministry” is like. I imagined my week would actually be filled with the activities Doug listed in his proposal and within the structure he had constructed. I assumed that it would be hard, and that I would learn a lot about myself.

What I didn’t take into account was all that would also be going on in my life at the same time. I had a boyfriend who became my fiancé. I was planning to leave the country within a month. I had a life. I am a member of a church. I am a friend. I am a daughter, sister and grand-daughter. I crochet and sew; I need to balance my checkbook and call my insurance agent. My life had to continue with all its messiness alongside my new “ministry”.

I suppose that the expectations I’d had of what I would learn were not far from reality; but how I ended up learning them was far from what I’d thought. I did learn about ministry and about myself and a little about what it might feel like to be a real intern. Failure – and not success - was by far my greatest tutor, though. My week was to consist of mostly three things: getting to know and ministering to students, the study program, and helping Doug (in order of priority).

I tend to be a very good student, a control freak and a legalistic people pleaser. So, when I signed up for the faux internship, I prepared myself to budget my time, energy and resources to order my life such that I could accomplish all that was expected of me. I began reading my book; I attended Girls’ Lunch and made it a point to be at the Union often; I talked with John about RUF logistics.

But within the first week I found myself frustrated with the “results”. I was exhausted. It was a surprise to me, and a bit of a personal letdown, because I felt that I shouldn’t be so worn out by ministry. People should energize me because I was doing a good thing. I also felt disappointed by how few relationships I’d really been able to start and invest in. I met many people, and was friendly, but why was it so hard to become friends? Not only this, but I was a bit alarmed by how I ended up slightly neglecting my current friendships – I’d been too busy starting new ones.

It wasn’t completely disappointing, though. I was encouraged by God’s grace in allowing me to minister to students. It was both exciting and a challenge to deliberately exercise my convictions by going out and lovingly taking part in the lives of others.

By the next week, I realized I was just not going to be a successful intern. I couldn’t get all the reading done I was supposed to; I wasn’t going to make as many appointments with people; and I certainly was not going to love people like the job called for. Now, if I hadn’t been prepared for this, it would have been depressingly confusing and too much for me to handle. I’d had many talks with John the Intern, however, and had come to understand how much failure is a part of being an intern. John felt that he was not doing nearly the job he felt he should be doing; and, more than that, he felt he failed on a very deep level that touched on his sinful, self-centered nature. I’m so grateful I had John to forewarn me. It was one thing to feel that I wasn’t doing a good job, but it was quite another to have a growing fear (and realization!) that the reason I didn’t do a good job is because I’m a really, really awful person. I don’t really love people (and especially not like Jesus calls me to); I really don’t care as much about God’s kingdom as I thought I did; I don’t have self-discipline or control; I don’t interact on as deep or caring a level as I thought.

My expectations, I now see, were much more superficial than I should have asked from Jesus. In my mind, I would learn about some tendencies, weaknesses, strengths, habits or personality traits of myself. What God ended up showing me was a small glimpse into the dark, secret parts of my soul that worship and love only myself and hate everyone and everything else, including my Savior. And He showed me grace. Why do I ask for so little?

These sorts of realizations do seem a bit profound and involved for such a short time frame. It is possible that at this point they’re only thoughts and not change – in fact, it is likely. Yet there’s no doubt that this is what God is teaching me. Ministry is not a special vocation – something you sign up to do for two years, or even as a job. Ministry is your life. It takes place in the midst of your life. It is messy, out of my control and without the kind of structure that tells me what to do in the morning to ensure success. It doesn’t ask me to merely show love to people or to remove the sinful, selfish behaviors in my life; rather, it asks me to repent and truly love.

When I graduated last December, I did indeed have plans. These were certainly not it. Even when I decided to be Doug’s faux intern, I didn’t plan on it being so much about me changing, and I especially didn’t dream of having to be so uncomfortable. This has been a complete surprise to me. And preparing for Peru and marriage has suggested that this is not an “experience” that will soon be over, or the purging of a sin that will shortly be complete. I think that this is God simply sanctifying me: showing me His love and grace. My whole life is about this. This is God’s promise to me, and as hard as it may be sometimes, I need to accept it with joy, patience, gratitude and excitement. One day, I may realize that I have no hope of planning and controlling my sanctification; and perhaps I’ll also come to understand (another day) that I shouldn’t want to.

So, here I am, on my way to Peru tomorrow, trusting that God will continue to undo me and mold me to be a humble, thankful recepient of His grace and love.