God will do a work...

I have learned so much about life these couple months from Aaron and from helping Doug. Doug asked me to write about my experience as "faux intern". After I finished, he asked me to write a more generalized version of what I've learned about life and how to live it. I didn't get that far (perhaps soon?), but here is the wordy description of God's work in my life since January.

At the beginning of my faux internship, I’d hoped that by the time it was over I would have much to say about the life of an intern, or to be able to claim first-hand knowledge of what “ministry” is like. I imagined my week would actually be filled with the activities Doug listed in his proposal and within the structure he had constructed. I assumed that it would be hard, and that I would learn a lot about myself.

What I didn’t take into account was all that would also be going on in my life at the same time. I had a boyfriend who became my fiancé. I was planning to leave the country within a month. I had a life. I am a member of a church. I am a friend. I am a daughter, sister and grand-daughter. I crochet and sew; I need to balance my checkbook and call my insurance agent. My life had to continue with all its messiness alongside my new “ministry”.

I suppose that the expectations I’d had of what I would learn were not far from reality; but how I ended up learning them was far from what I’d thought. I did learn about ministry and about myself and a little about what it might feel like to be a real intern. Failure – and not success - was by far my greatest tutor, though. My week was to consist of mostly three things: getting to know and ministering to students, the study program, and helping Doug (in order of priority).

I tend to be a very good student, a control freak and a legalistic people pleaser. So, when I signed up for the faux internship, I prepared myself to budget my time, energy and resources to order my life such that I could accomplish all that was expected of me. I began reading my book; I attended Girls’ Lunch and made it a point to be at the Union often; I talked with John about RUF logistics.

But within the first week I found myself frustrated with the “results”. I was exhausted. It was a surprise to me, and a bit of a personal letdown, because I felt that I shouldn’t be so worn out by ministry. People should energize me because I was doing a good thing. I also felt disappointed by how few relationships I’d really been able to start and invest in. I met many people, and was friendly, but why was it so hard to become friends? Not only this, but I was a bit alarmed by how I ended up slightly neglecting my current friendships – I’d been too busy starting new ones.

It wasn’t completely disappointing, though. I was encouraged by God’s grace in allowing me to minister to students. It was both exciting and a challenge to deliberately exercise my convictions by going out and lovingly taking part in the lives of others.

By the next week, I realized I was just not going to be a successful intern. I couldn’t get all the reading done I was supposed to; I wasn’t going to make as many appointments with people; and I certainly was not going to love people like the job called for. Now, if I hadn’t been prepared for this, it would have been depressingly confusing and too much for me to handle. I’d had many talks with John the Intern, however, and had come to understand how much failure is a part of being an intern. John felt that he was not doing nearly the job he felt he should be doing; and, more than that, he felt he failed on a very deep level that touched on his sinful, self-centered nature. I’m so grateful I had John to forewarn me. It was one thing to feel that I wasn’t doing a good job, but it was quite another to have a growing fear (and realization!) that the reason I didn’t do a good job is because I’m a really, really awful person. I don’t really love people (and especially not like Jesus calls me to); I really don’t care as much about God’s kingdom as I thought I did; I don’t have self-discipline or control; I don’t interact on as deep or caring a level as I thought.

My expectations, I now see, were much more superficial than I should have asked from Jesus. In my mind, I would learn about some tendencies, weaknesses, strengths, habits or personality traits of myself. What God ended up showing me was a small glimpse into the dark, secret parts of my soul that worship and love only myself and hate everyone and everything else, including my Savior. And He showed me grace. Why do I ask for so little?

These sorts of realizations do seem a bit profound and involved for such a short time frame. It is possible that at this point they’re only thoughts and not change – in fact, it is likely. Yet there’s no doubt that this is what God is teaching me. Ministry is not a special vocation – something you sign up to do for two years, or even as a job. Ministry is your life. It takes place in the midst of your life. It is messy, out of my control and without the kind of structure that tells me what to do in the morning to ensure success. It doesn’t ask me to merely show love to people or to remove the sinful, selfish behaviors in my life; rather, it asks me to repent and truly love.

When I graduated last December, I did indeed have plans. These were certainly not it. Even when I decided to be Doug’s faux intern, I didn’t plan on it being so much about me changing, and I especially didn’t dream of having to be so uncomfortable. This has been a complete surprise to me. And preparing for Peru and marriage has suggested that this is not an “experience” that will soon be over, or the purging of a sin that will shortly be complete. I think that this is God simply sanctifying me: showing me His love and grace. My whole life is about this. This is God’s promise to me, and as hard as it may be sometimes, I need to accept it with joy, patience, gratitude and excitement. One day, I may realize that I have no hope of planning and controlling my sanctification; and perhaps I’ll also come to understand (another day) that I shouldn’t want to.

So, here I am, on my way to Peru tomorrow, trusting that God will continue to undo me and mold me to be a humble, thankful recepient of His grace and love.

One Week

There's one week until I leave. I have much to do before I can do that, though. I haven't even started packing; I have forms to be notarized; plane tickets must be received; books must be read.

I'm getting more nervous but also equally more excited about going to Lima. I'm told that I should expect a whole new world that will nearly shatter what I've known before. That the comfort and confidence with which I perceive myself and others will be replaced with confusion and helplessness. That this will be a time for me to learn about grace, ministry and how NOT to be uptight. :)

I've never even been out of the country before. I don't even know what it's like to step foot onto soil that isn't American. I'm glad I get to have this experience. I'm going to be reading The Art of Crossing Cultures by Craig Storti to help with the preparation, but can anything really prepare me for how I'm going to feel and how to react? I just hope I don't freak out and have a meltdown.

NEWS!

I'm engaged!! Mr. Aaron Payne is going to be my husband! :)

It's been a busy week. And in a week and half I'll be leaving for Peru for 3 months. So, here are a couple questions: answer #1, #2 or #3, or all three for extra credit.

1) Should communion be served only to those who have displayed some level of understanding of the sacrament? (I.e., should there be any requirement for communion but being a part of the covenant community?)

2) If you're married, what one piece of advice do you wish someone had given you? If you're not married, what do you want to know?

3) Which books should I take with me to Peru and why?

For us weary ones...

I'm having trouble focusing. I'm not quite sure that I can safely say exactly what it is that is creating this sort of distraction, but it's very annoying. I'm constantly thinking, but nothing definitive is coming out. Maybe I'm just plain thinking too much?

So, although Mrs. Cumbee's invitation to talk a bit more about modesty is very appealing (perhaps Kelly M and I could collaborate? Can Basement Tapes count as books?), I believe the safest thing for me to do is to discuss what has most recently been on my mind.

Yesterday and today I read Celebrating the Sabbath, by Bruce A. Ray. Although it was a very easy read, it was remarkably informative, biblical and willing to speak to the reality of our wants and needs (i.e., our humaness, I suppose).

I was most struck by the constancy of the Sabbath in God's Word, ordinances and covenant. Being "reformed" and all, I thought I realized that the entire Bible is about Jesus, that there's no such thing as the OT God and the NT God, but I'm wowed (again) by how much my mind needs transforming. I have a problem grasping that God still wants us to celebrate the Sabbath, but that it is a different sort of Sabbath than what the Israelites celebrated. Different in form, but not essence. If Jesus claims He is the Lord of the Sabbath, then He is and was and always will be. The Sabbath is the Sabbath. But I lack understanding as to what that means. Why do we celebrate on the Lord's Day? What happened to a seventh day rest? But I'm digressing - I could happily lose myself in thought after unanswerable/irrelevant/foolish thought.

What I walked away with was the jarring realization that although I "rest" on the Sabbath (abstaining from work), I do not seek God's rest and refreshment earnestly and joyfully. The author says that "God gives us the Sabbath as a day when we can pause from our work and turn our whole attention to our Creator as the source of our life, breath and refreshment." Do I even know what rest is?? Jesus offers me rest like I have never known. Geez...I am always surprised at how often I attempt to strip myself of God's promises and goodness. Nevertheless, God is faithful and just thinking about it makes me very happy Sunday is near...